i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
