She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
