My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
