Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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