Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
