I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
