I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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