Im at strip club and am horny
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
