that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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