I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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