I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
