Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
