Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
COCAINE IS GR8
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