Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
