I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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