If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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