I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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