i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
