you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
