So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
