i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
