Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
