I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
