I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
