When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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