dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We are two peas in an std pod
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
