Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
