I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
