Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
