I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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