Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
