How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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