final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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