how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
