the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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