My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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