this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
