You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
