my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
