We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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