I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
