I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
