Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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