why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
