i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
