i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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