when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
