Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Alive.
So much puke
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
