you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
