every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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