ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
