You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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